By Lydia Sterry | Submitted 2023
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Many people might decide to end their relationship with their therapist without considering important pointers first. Before discussing 'breaking up with your therapist,' let’s explore some reasons why your therapy may not be working.
Could it be related to;
~You not being ready for change
~Your expectations being too high
~You’re not really sticking to therapy long enough
~You’re venting without gaining insight
~You’re not really reflecting or practicing outside of the sessions
~Your therapist is not culturally sensitive or ‘not getting you’
~You don’t feel safe with your therapist and struggling to be honest
~You struggle to trust your therapist
~You’re not properly commit to the process (tend to have ad hoc sessions or sessions too far apart)
You may want to look into these and reflect on these statements before making any hasty decisions to end your therapy. It’s good practice to ‘pause’ and bring any of this material up with your therapist if it’s relevant.
If these statements don't resonate, explore other signs indicating it’s time to end your therapy.
“I’M JUST NOT MAKING PROGRESS WITH THIS MODALITY/STYLE OF THERAPY”
It could be you’re in a type of therapy that doesn’t suit your issues/personality and it’s perfectly acceptable to experiment or to want to be exposed to different interventions. You have a right to choose and say something like, "I'd like to explore a different therapeutic approach. Can we collaborate on developing an ending plan?"
“I’M REALLY WANTING SOMEONE WITH MORE EXPERIENCE”
It could be you’ve hit a tricky point in the therapy road and sometimes it can be hard to wade through it. Occasionally the therapist’s lack of experience can contribute to prolonging this tricky period. It's worth noting that encountering barriers or blockages often signifies valuable insights awaiting discovery. Most feel grateful if they just ‘hang on’ and persevere through them with the same therapist. However, if this block, combined with the lack of experience continues to ‘get in the way’, and your therapist humbly agrees, you may decide to break up.
“I’M NOT GETTING ANYWHERE”:
We know therapy is a progressive process and it’s not healthy to expect to receive results right away. The progression often starts small and grows over time.
It’s also true that sometimes therapy causes you to feel worse before you feel better; that’s because the problems require you to address the core issues BEHIND a problem. But if you’ve been participating in therapy for a while, say 3 to 6 months and you haven’t noticed any changes, you might find yourself becoming quite frustrated or disheartened. This is when you may want to start a conversation with your therapist about your feelings. Your therapist may then start to change your treatment plan to better meet your NEEDS. If your therapist is unwilling to engage in this discussion or encourage your input, it might be time to explore therapy elsewhere.
“I’M NOT HAVING MUCH TO SAY ANYMORE”:
Congratulations you might have come a long way and may have worked though your main goals. Now you might feel there’s not much left to discuss with your therapist. In fact, sometimes you might not be sure what to discuss any more. That could mean it’s time to talk to your therapist about endings. The plan could consist of decreasing the frequency of sessions, maybe to every other week or once a month. Or scheduling sessions only as needed, until you’re ready to end therapy all together. Many therapists will extend an invitation to resume working with them in the future if needed.
“MY GOALS ARE NOT BEING ADDRESSED”:
You came to therapy to look at specific goals, such as learning to manage anger, coping with panic attacks, improving communication… you communicated your goals to your therapist but after months of therapy, you don’t feel as if they’re being addressed. You could gently remind your therapist about your goals and ask about your treatment plan. You might actually find you’re addressing your goals by looking at your core issues that could be causing the very problem you’re struggling with. For example, if your goal is anger management, you might be working on unpacking past hurtful feelings that are fuelling connected to your anger. If your therapist is unreceptive or unable to explain how your and treatment plan is moving you towards your goals, it might be time to end the relationship.
“I THINK WE’RE SIMPLY NOT A GOOD FIT”
You’re not going to match with every therapist and that’s ok. In fact, it’s expected. Therapy ‘client miss matches’ can be caused by a number of factors; personality differences, cultural differences, the therapist’s training... it’s important to experience a connected relationship with your therapist. If you discover that you’re not connected to your therapist after at least a month, then maybe the therapist is not a good fit for you. You could simply let them know how you feel about your connection and explore what could be done to increase it on both sides. If this lack of connection continues and you have tried wholeheartedly to assess the ‘connection’ situation together, but there is still no progress or change, you may decide to break up.
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Ending therapy with your therapist is an important decision, and it's essential to approach it thoughtfully and consider the best way to transition out of therapy.
The overall pointers to end therapy may include:
Reflecting on your progress:
Take some time to assess your therapy journey and reflect on the progress you have made. Consider whether you have achieved the goals you initially set or if you have reached a point where you feel comfortable managing on your own.
Discussing your decision with your therapist:
Schedule a session with your therapist specifically to discuss the termination of therapy. This conversation is crucial to ensure a smooth transition and allow both you and your therapist to address any concerns or lingering issues.
Expressing your reasons:
Clearly communicate your reasons for wanting to end therapy. It could be that you have achieved your goals, feel ready to apply the skills you have learned, or simply need a break. Openly discussing your reasons can help your therapist understand your perspective and provide closure.
Seeking closure and summarize progress:
Use your final therapy sessions to reflect on the progress you have made throughout your therapeutic journey. Discuss the skills you have learned, the challenges you have overcome, and any insights gained. This can provide a sense of closure and reinforce the progress you've made.
Collaborating on a termination plan:
Work together with your therapist to develop a termination plan. This plan may involve gradually reducing session frequency, scheduling a specific end date, or determining a follow-up session if necessary. Collaborating on the termination process ensures that the ending is well-managed and minimizes any potential feelings of abruptness or unresolved issues.
Exploring the possibility of a future check-in:
If you feel the need, discuss the possibility of scheduling a follow-up session or check-in with your therapist after ending therapy. This can provide additional support during the transition and allow you to address any new challenges or concerns that may arise.
Expressing maybe tiny or large amounts of gratitude:
Take the time to express gratitude to your therapist for their support and expertise throughout your therapy journey. Showing appreciation for their contributions can create a positive ending and acknowledge the impact they have had on your well-being.
Remember, the therapeutic relationship is a partnership, and your therapist's primary goal is to support your growth and well-being. By openly communicating your decision and collaborating on the termination process, you can sometimes ensure a respectful and effective conclusion to your therapy.
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If you do break up with your therapist, don’t lose HOPE.
There are many different therapies and therapists out there, one who meets your needs and your mental health goals.
The main take away from this is to try to work towards having a ‘good ending’ with your therapist if the relationship/issues can’t be worked through. Having a ‘good enough’ ending can sometimes be quite insightful and surprising.
However you end with your therapist, it might be important to work through your ending without saying out of blue, “this is my last session”. It may not be therapeutic for you and could be seen as a lost opportunity to grow. Therefore, discussing your ending tends to be a useful opportunity to embrace even though it might feel hard.
If you're considering starting or resuming therapy with a new therapist, feel free to email progressiveprocess@live.com.au or click here. progressiveprocess@live.com.au or click here.