By Lydia Sterry | Submitted 2023
It can be so heart breaking to hear that someone you know is feeling this way and it's important to take their situation seriously.
Each year around 3000 people die by a suicide attempt. Researchers so far estimate that for every person who suicides, another 135 lives are impacted. The problem with statistics is that they can make it easier for us to become emotionally detached and for these numbers to seem somewhat meaningless.
However, each number represent not just a real person, but also a wider circle of sometimes confused or devastated friends or family members. These people tend to be left with haunted questions that may never be answered such as “Why?” or “What could have I done to prevent it?”.
I suspect unfortunately, that we all, at some point in our lives, will brush shoulders against someone in our immediate or distance circle who has died by suicide. This thought may be hard to stomach for some and realistic for others.
With this in mind, it might be useful to know what’s helpful to say and do for someone in a suicidal crisis that could possibly make a difference. However, you may be thinking, “It’s just too difficult – I wouldn’t know where to start”. But it doesn’t necessarily have to be as difficult as you might think.
A good place to start is to try to address some of the uneducated fear around suicide our society has contributed to. We might need to acknowledge how there are many myths about suicide and how we need to start breaking them down. Thus, being able to speak compassionately, openly, and purposefully about suicide involves first addressing some of the popular myths below.
1: I’m not equipped to ask someone if they’re suicidal
This may be so, but you could be severely underestimating the positive contribution you could make. Sometimes that one percent effort could be the lifeline that’s needed.
Developing confidence in your ability to initiate a conversation around suicide may be hard at first but most eventually find it empowering. It’s important to realise it won’t be your role to solve all the issues the suicidal person may have. You don’t need to learn how to be a therapist. Instead, you could play the role of a ‘suicide first aider’ and try to support or guide them gently towards professional help.
You could simply let them know there is help out there and that they are only a call away. Calling triple zero in the crisis moment maybe needed, sometimes it’s healthy to try to do this together as a team by you dialling and then letting them talk if they are willing. Other times it’s more about being assertive and saying with compassion, “Things seem to have really gone sour here and we need some professional help. I’m going to call triple Zero and they’ll be here soon to take over.”
However, if they are only near that crisis point you could simply text them a list of useful professional numbers or write them on out on a sheet of paper to stick on their fridge. Most appreciate a list of professional numbers as sometimes this very ‘act of care’ is what they are needing.
An example list may include:
Life line – crisis support ( 131144)
Suicide call back service (1300 659 467)
Kids helpline (ages 5 – 25) 1800 551800
Headspace (ages 12 – 25) 1800 650 890
Beyond blue – mental health support (1300 224 636)
QLife (LGBTIQ and peer support and referral) (1800 184 527)
2. Cyberbullying causes suicide
While stressful events such as bullying may act as a trigger, the reality is that the underlying reason for why someone may try to take their own life is extremely complex, regardless of what a letter left behind may say, or what families might initially suspect.
Attributing the death to a single cause tends to represent a narrow, unrealistic perspective and is mostly based around fear. There are normally several contributing factors involved and there is no one single event to hold on to as a crutch, no matter how much we might want this.
3. Suicide is a result of mental illness
While it’s true that depression or other ‘mental’ illnesses can raise a person’s risk of suicide, stressful life events, such a relationship breakdown or financial difficulties, may also contribute to the feelings of desperation and isolation, that can lead to suicide attempts.
It is worth remembering that suicide attempts tend to be a cry for help and a cry for more support. Even giving them this article to give to other supportive people around them, to increase their awareness, could play a part in increasing their support needed during this time.
4. If someone really wants to die, there’s no way to stop them
A person who’s contemplating suicide may not want to die at all. Instead, most want their emotional pain to stop. They tend to want to end the repetitive loop of thoughts in their mind and feel attempting suicide at the time is the only option. Sometimes it can be the supportive nature of a family member or a friend that reaches out to them by making that extra effort to listen that can influence their direction. Simply asking, “Are you thinking of taking your own life?” could start the conversation off and play a large part in the person’s recovery.
5. If I bring up the subject, they’re likely to then take their life
There’s a fear ingrained in our culture that if we mention suicide to a depressed or distressed person, we’ll be putting the idea in their head. However, it’s more than OK to speak openly and directly to someone you’re concerned about. Secrecy tends to be toxic in this area and moving away from it tends to be a healthy way forward. We may want to remember how all of us have a role to play in suicide prevention by speaking openly about it with compassion and as a ‘curious’ concern. Once the person can express their fears or what might be worrying them, they’re normally halfway there to admitting they need help.
6. She’s only really talking about it, she’ll never do it
This way of thinking tends to be about squashing our fears and eventhough this statement may be true for some, what happens if it's not? That’s the healthy bit of doubt that can be a lifesaver for some individuals. To put this in perspective, it’s good to know how far the person is down the rabbit hole to then be able to look for certain signs. Some signs include looking if they are:
Giving away prize possessions
Take little or no interest in their clothes or appearance
Withdraw from friends, family and usual activities
Give you verbal hints such as, “I won’t be a problem for you much longer’ or ‘nothing matters anyway’
Suddenly becoming cheerful after a period of being down
Hurting themselves by self-harming in various ways such as cutting their wrists or thighs.
Other signs involve seeing rope, knives, or other tools around that are not normally around that may be all part of their plan to try to attempt or die by suicide.
All these signs can be confronting for some; however, they can also be another good reason to pull apart the myth that the person will never 'do it'. It’s times like these when it’s good to be open to the idea that they could actually follow through with suicide, which tends to be after the second attempt.
7. It’ll be hard if they do it, but I’ll be ok, life still goes on right?
This myth really depends on the length and closeness of the relationship, but any suicide tends to affect each one of us in different ways regardless. Some are left crushed by the ripple effect of suicide which may be hard to digest. Others may be affected by the finality of it all and how life does have an ending, just not in the way we might imagine. A small percent, might become withdrawn for a little while and then bounce back like nothing happened.
Spending time reflecting on your experience alone and with loved ones may soften your experiences. Even having a ‘debriefing’ session, so to speak too, with a therapist could help to unpack and even clarify events. Some benefit from ‘talking therapy’ and letting it out, rather than letting it be ‘stuffed deep down’ somewhere, only to appear in possibly low or panicking moments/situations later down the track.
~
Overall, suicide is on our society radar and as a collective, we all might want to start tentatively taking responsibility to move towards it. We may want to pause or stop running away from the person or the fearful ‘it’, and to remember how we could play our part that could make a slight difference. We have a choice to be compassionately curious when any of our loved ones or fellow humans are contemplating or ready to die by suicide. Most are truly grateful when asked to speak about what they are going through, especially once out of their repetitive ‘dark’ loop.
~
PRACTICAL STEPS TO PROVIDE THE SUPPORT THEY NEED
Take their words seriously:
If someone expresses suicidal thoughts or feelings, it's crucial to believe them and understand the severity of their situation. Avoid dismissing or minimizing their emotions.
Encourage open communication:
Let your friend or family member know that you are there for them and willing to listen. Create a safe space where they can express their feelings without judgment.
Stay calm and non-judgmental:
It's important to approach the situation with empathy and understanding. Avoid blaming or shaming them, as this can further isolate them and make them feel worse.
Ask direct questions:
While it may feel uncomfortable, it's important to ask direct questions about their suicidal thoughts. Ask if they have a plan, if they have the means to carry out the plan, and if they have made any attempts in the past. This information can help you assess the level of risk and determine the appropriate course of action.
Encourage professional help:
Suggest that they seek professional help from a mental health specialist such as a therapist or counsellor. Offer to help them find resources or make an appointment if they are willing. In some cases, you may need to contact emergency services or a helpline if the immediate risk is high.
Be supportive:
Let your friend or family member know that you care about them and want to support them through this difficult time. Offer to accompany them to therapy sessions or doctor's appointments if they would like the company.
Remove immediate dangers:
If there are any immediate dangers such as access to weapons or medications, take appropriate steps to remove them or ensure they are safely secured.
Stay connected:
Keep in regular contact with your friend or family member. Reach out to them frequently, even if they don't always respond. Let them know that you are there for them and that they are not alone.
Encourage self-care:
Encourage healthy coping mechanisms and self-care activities, such as exercise, spending time in nature, practicing relaxation techniques, or engaging in hobbies they enjoy.
Seek support for yourself:
Supporting someone who is suicidal can be emotionally challenging. It's important to seek your own support system, whether it's talking to a trusted friend, family member, or seeking professional help for yourself.
~
Remember, you are not expected to handle this situation alone. Reach out to mental health professionals or helplines in your area for guidance and support if needed.
~
If you are witnessing or have witnessed your friend/partner/child/sibling/work colleague... attempting or considering suicide, you may want to consider emailing progressiveprocess@live.com.au or click here for more details.